Three fools
by Lobster on a stick
Summary: Three mercenaries arrive in Vvardenfell looking for work, but someones after them...
1. Drugs and nudity

Disclaimer: I own all original characters in this story, Bethesda owns everything else, for now… (evil laugh) 

Chapter 1: drugs and nudity

"Tell me again, why are we in Vvardenfell?" "They kicked us out of Mournhold" "Good riddance, they really need to get a sense of humor" "You were streaking through the temple gardens!" "I already explained that to you and the ordinators" "Did you really think 'showing Almalexia your sexy body' was a good reason?" "Yes!" "You two stop arguing and be glad were still alive" "Were alive because I cast invisibility on us" "We didn't need it" "How else would we get away from the angry mob chasing after you!" "Were where almost to the gates" "Which were sealed and I had to levitate us over!" Amulius had heard his two friends argue countless times before and had learned to tune it out. Hopefully they would stop bickering before they reached Balmora. Looking back to his friends he saw a Breton chocking a Bosmer while a shock spell coursed down his arm adding extra injury to the struggling elf. "Ed, let him go" The angry Breton released his injured friend "Yah, Edward let me go" "Don't make me use fire Jadix" It was going to be a long walk.

"Why did that smuggler have to drop us out in the middle of nowhere?" "Well atleast we didn't have to pay" "Yah but we gotta deliver this skooma and I know were gonna get caught" "You were pole dancing outside the temple and your worried about getting caught with skooma?" "Yah I'm worried that Amulius buddies over there are gonna throw us in jail" The imperial mentioned looked up to see a legionary patrol coming from fort moonmoth "Just are luck, put some kind of chameleon on that skooma Ed" "Alright but if they search us and find an invisible bottle they'll be suspicious" "They wont search us just keep walking" True to the groups luck the patrol did stop them and were digging through Ed's bag when they found a curious transparent vial "Well these smugglers are getting clever, come see this Gaius!" "Hey you can see the skooma inside" Amulius and Jadix gave their mage friend an angry glare as he whispered back an apology. As they were stripped of weapons and armor the legionaries had a good laugh with 'the magic, magic dust'

Amulius had finally gotten some peace and quiet, in jail. For the past few hours he had been thinking about recent events. The group had been marched to the fort with Jadix swearing and Ed apologizing the entire trip. Speaking of Ed he was in the cell across from him. "Honestly Ed how could you make such a dumb mistake" "I've never enchanted a bottle before! How could I know it didn't affect the contents?" Deciding to change the subject Amulius looked through the bars at the guard "Hey guard! How long are we in for?" "Every time you talk to me it's a week added to your time here" "Bastard" "That's two weeks" Since that conversation wasn't going any were he decided to question Jadix in the cell next to him "Hey Jadix you awake?" "I am now thanks to your blabbering" "What do you think they'll do to us?" "Other then lock us in a cell? Hopefully they'll teach Ed how to cast a spell" "Shutup!" "Three weeks!" Well with his friends silenced he decided to get some sleep.

The dream, he had gotten the dream a lot recently. It was always the same, a dark cavern lit by torches hanging from the walls. At the end of the cavern stood several people dressed in strange armor that glowed with an eerie light. Looking down he saw that he was also wearing this armor and when he looked up their was a nothing but a red light at the end of the cavern. That's when he woke up. Bolting out of bed he was glad everyone else was asleep, he didn't want his friends to see him sitting up in bed terrified and covered in cold sweat. He hoped this horrible dream was just a dream. He had a feeling it wasn't. Amulius lay down and went to sleep; maybe he would only have it once tonight.

"I'm gonna get demoted for this I'm sure of it" "Don't worry sir, you couldn't have known" "That doesn't matter! All the higher-ups will see is that I jailed an imperial official!" "How do we know this is Caius? The prisoner said his name was Amulius" "It's an alias you mindless twit! No one would suspect a lowly mercenary to be an imperial spy" "Well we didn't" "And that's the problem!" Crasius and Marcus had been doing this since they got a message hours ago that an imperial spy would be in the area and not to arrest him for the skooma he carried as part of his disguise. Had this come a day earlier they wouldn't have this problem. "Well we better release him"

Amulius looked up to see the commander that had tossed him in jail unlock his cell "Were deeply sorry Mr. Cosades, We were not informed of your mission. It won't happen again." Not knowing what they were talking about Amulius decided to play along, this was his only shot at escaping "It had better not. Now release my friends and get my things" "But the message only mentioned you" "The emperor isn't going to hand out a list of all his men you n,wah! Now release them or the emperor will hear about this!" "Yes, sir" Ed and Jadix were also released and given back their equipment, including the skooma. They were given another apology and directions to Balmora, halfway there Ed asked a question "So who is Mr. Cosades?" "How the hell should I know" "Alright" "Who are we delivering this skooma to anyway?" "I don't know, it's written on the bottle, let me take this enchantment off for a second" Abit of mumbling from Ed and the bottle reappeared "Lets see, it says 'deliver to Caius Cosades, North-East Balmora'" "Your joking right?" "No he's not joking you addict" "Don't make me sic Ed on you Jadix"  
...

Well that's chapter one, review. NOW.


	2. A Night in Balmora

Disclaimer: read chapter 1 

Chapter 2: A night in Balmora

After a long walk they had reached balmora at nightfall "Well were finally here" Amulius looked through the gateway trying to see the entire city but only viewing a plaza surrounded by shops and a glimpse of the river Odai "So whos gonna deliver this stuff?" looking back he saw Jadix holding a bottle of skooma "Put that stuff away, I'm not getting arrested again" "Alright but I'm delivering it, maybe this Caius guy can tell me something about the local thieves" "Fine, just don't get caught" It didn't matter what he said as Jadix was already gone "Well that's one problem solved, lets get a drink Ed" "Thought you would never ask" It didn't take long to find a pub "Hmm, the council club. Looks okay" "Who cares about looks? I need my brandy" "Your paying" "Shutup, your wasting valuable drinking time"

Meanwhile…

"Were is he?" Jadix had been looking all over town but couldn't find Caius, he had given up the search and was now looking for the local thieves guild. He found the South Wall and immediately recognized it as a thief's guild headquarters "Well aren't I lucky?" Inside the South Wall it was smoky, crowded and the patrons all had a pair of shifty eyes "home, sweet, home" As he was taking in the atmosphere a Khajiit snuck up behind him "Well look who just walked back into Habasi's life" "Don't you have a litterbox to clean?" "Same old temper, the guards at moonmoth must have had a handful" "If I knew you were here I would have stayed in prison" "Well now that you're here tell habasi why" "Do you know were to find Caius Cosades?" "The emperors sugar tooth? Check by the northwest guard tower" "Well this is one small step towards repaying me" "I'm a thief, I don't pay for anything" "I did" "That's your own fault" Deciding that this conversation was going nowhere he left and headed for caius. Maybe the mysterious addict could point him to a job.

On the other side of the river

"I don't like the look of this place Ed" "You and your whining it makes me sick!" "Why did I buy you all that sujamma?" "Because it's great! Right babe!" The golden saint sitting next to Ed didn't have a reply "Damnit Ed, I knew I shouldn't have let you buy that summon scroll" "Why not? It's good for emergencies!" "This is an emergency?" "YES! Hey barkeep, how much for a room? I got a saint to screw!" "Were leaving" As a Amulius dragged Ed away from a very angry golden saint several Dunmer stepped in his way "Now where are you going outlander" The last word appeared to leave a bitter taste in his mouth "I don't want any trouble, just let us leave" "Why leave before the party?" "Party? Hell yeah! I'm gonna need a crate of Sujamma barkeep! And maybe something for them!" The Dunmer that had been preparing for the 'party' by pulling out axes, swords and daggers all gave Ed a bewildered look before one of the more clever ones got an idea "Yeah! Hey outlander, lets go streaking!" "I love these guys! Come on guys take it off, you to goldy!" As the golden saint fingered her sword the Dunmer answered "You go first, we'll be their later with a wagon full of sujamma!" "Alright, you bring the booze, me and Amulius are gonna have some fun!" "No!" "When you get that sword out of your ass join the party!" Before Amulius could answer Ed was out the door leaving only torn clothes and a spilled beer "Well I better go get him, it's been fun guys" "Not so fast, the fun has just begun" Well so much for talking his way out. Amulius pulled out his sword, held his shield up and faced the angry mob "Who's first?" As the racist mob charged him with weapons held high no one noticed the golden saint in the corner who had decided to stay with her master's much less annoying and far more sober friend. As Amulius struggled to block the rain of blows coming at him the saint charged up a fireball.

Back to Jadix

"This must be the place" looking at the dirty shack that smelled suspiciously like moon sugar "Lets hope he pays well" Opening the door Jadix saw a shirtless imperial talking to a Dunmer who still had imprints on his wrist from prison shackles. The Imperial turned and glared at Jadix "Who are you?" "I'm supposed to deliver this skooma" Jadix tossed the bottle to Caius who caught it and rolled it under his bed "Alright, now get out, this is private" "Not to talkative, huh?" As Caius gave him an annoyed glare an enormous explosion rocked all of Balmora and sent moon sugar flying across the room "What was that?" "I don't know but this is a perfect test for you Ano, find out what's behind this and you'll be in the blades. And take that wood elf with you" As the two left Jadix heard the dark elf mumble something about a bossy addict. Outside it was pretty easy to tell were the explosion happened seeing as an enormous smoke cloud was above the council club. Jadix slapped his forehead and mumbled "and they say I'm dumb. Come on bright-eyes, we got work" "Shutup tiny" The two sprinted towards the river swearing in their native languages. When they crossed the bridge they heard someone yell "Did you bring the sujamma wagon?"

Earlier…

As Amulius stopped an axe with his shield he saw through a crack in the wall of elves the golden saint launching a fireball spell. The last thing Amulius saw was the fireball blowing off a hidden trapdoor covering a stash of strange vials marked with a flame covered by an X. When a slightly burnt Amulius awoke later he saw a transparent purple/red sphere surrounding him, a golden saint next to him, a lot of guards, Jadix running towards him with a Dunmer following and in the distance he saw a naked Ed climb out of the river, yell something about a wagon and run towards the commercial district. The Dunmer was the first to ask the obvious question "What happened?" "Yah Amulius you're supposed to be the smart one! How did you blow up a bar? Where's Ed? And who is that?" At the last question he pointed at the golden saint "That would be goldy, Eds new booty call" "I'm gonna need you to explain his one" As Amulius explained the recent events Jadix could only stare wide eyed and nod his head. Ano was even more confused "I think I'll just report back to Caius" Watching the Dunmer walk away mumbling about crazy Imperials and annoying Bosmer Jadix turned back to Amulius and got back to the questioning "Alright you explained a lot but where's Ed?" "I saw him running towards the commercial district" "We better find him; I think he had more summon scrolls" "great…"

At the eight plates bar;

A crowd had gathered around a Nord, a shirtless Breton and an Argonian, each with varying levels of intoxication, singing a drinking song "Oh, oh, oh, I like to go swimming with bowl legged woman and swimming between their legs! What? Swimming between their legs! Yah! Swimming between their legs! Ah! Swimming between their legs! Hey!" Yep, Ed was having a great time.


	3. Dwemer and Dracula

Disclaimer: chapter 1…

Chapter 3: Dwemer and Dracula

How long have I looked at this wall? I stopped looking for a way out ages ago but yet I still stare at the door to my prison. Well I stare when a new sound awakens me from my slumber. Some bandits have taken residence lately; I can hear them through the walls. They should make for far more interesting company then those infernal machines that sealed me in here. Maybe one of them will find my cell, hah! In the endless ages I've waited mighty armies have resided here, great heroes have walked down these halls, powerful wizards have unraveled existence just a few feet away, living gods have strolled these corridors and to think a few bandits will uncover me! I must be getting old and senile.

In Balmora

"Come on party boy, time to sober up" Jadix was dragging Ed to a room they had rented in the eight plates, he and Amulius had found Ed dancing and singing with a Nord and Argonian he called CjayC and LU-Eshi. No one was sure if that was their real names as they were in no condition to give answers. While Jadix dragged an unconcious Ed up the stairs, purposefully banging the alcoholics head on every step, Amulius dug deep into his bag to find the money to pay for the damage Ed had caused, that payment almost bankrupting him. "Tomorrow were sending Ed over to the temple for Alcoholics Anonymous" "agreed" An hour later Ed was passed out on the only bed in the inn room while his 2 companions lay on the floor with pillows Jadix had stolen from some nut who kept crates of them in her house. "Why does Ed get the bed?" "If we leave him on the floor he'll probably die" "What if he wakes up?" "Goldy's standing outside the door if he tries to leave" "Goldy? That golden saint?" "Yep" That summon should have ended hours ago" "I guess were more entertaining then oblivion" "I think she just wants to kill Ed" "We'll see in the morning"

"Ohhhh, my head, feels like a guar was tap dancing on my forehead" Ed looked around and saw his friends, the alcohol must have still been affecting him because he could see a golden saint standing in the doorway "Well you finally woke up" "What happened" "Oh nothing, streaking through Balmora, drinking a barrel or 2 of sujamma, summoning daedra, blowing up a building. You know, a regular night on the town" "Whose that?" "How could you forget about Goldy? You summoned her" "Wish I could remember any of this. Whose pants am I wearing?" "We don't know" "great" Ed was searching his pockets for some kind of identification when a Nord walked in "Hey buddy!" "Yah, hi… whoever you are…" "Wild night, huh?" "Who are you?" "Names Ceej, Sorry about last night, looks like it cost you quite a bit" "Damn right, alchy broke the bar and our wallet" "Well I can fix that, I need some men for my operation over at Arkingthad" "Whatingthad?" "Arkingthad, it's a dwemer ruin, my boss has been looking for some added protection and you would be perfect. I figure after losing all that money a job is the least I can do for you" "Thanks!" "Just take the path north-east of moonmoth and cross the bridge, see you there tonight" "Alright" "Oh and one more thing, can I have my pants back?" "Uh yeah" After Ed had gotten into a new set of clothes and Amulius had gotten their stuff ready for the trip Ed spoke up "And you said my drinking was a bad thing"

"I think my nose is broken!" "By the nine you're a whiner" "Why did you punch me in the face?" "Because your drinking is a bad thing" "It got us this job!" "We wouldn't need this job if you hadn't been drinking!" "If we had this job I wouldn't be drinking!" "That doesn't make any sense!" "Shutup and get to work!" Barked their boss. Amulius and Ed had been down in some cavern for hours guarding against centurians, an easy job since goldy had wandered off earlier and all they heard from her was the occasional clang of metal in the distance as she slaughtered the ruins mechanical inhabitants. When their supervisor had finally left Ed spoke up "Hey whats that?" "What's what?" "That thing up there" "Up where?" "Up there" Ed pointed up to a small dwemer chest sitting ontop a support "Looks like a chest" "A chest in a dwemer ruin, so it must be full of artifacts, incredibly valuable artifacts!" "Go get it!" "I don't know if I can cast levitate with me being an alcoholic and all" "I'll buy you as much beer as you want if you just go get it" "As much as I want?" "No more then a crateful" "Fine swindler" Ed levitated up to the top of the cavern and popped open the chest "Were rich!" "How rich?" "Filthy rich! Its full of dwemer coins, their must be 20k in coins here!" "Bring it down!" "Rich!" "Hurry up!" After Ed had shoved the chest over the two men looked at their pile of of loot "Well Amulius maybe I'll share a little of my treasure with you" "Quit joking and pack up the stuff, don't want those bandits taking it all" "I'm not joking" Ed grabbed an armful of coins and levitated up as fast as he could, whacking his head on the ceiling "Nice one" "man I must have a strong head" "What are you talking about?" "The stone I head butted is moving into the ceiling" "That sounds like a cliché out of a badly written story" "psst, shutup or lobster will kill us off" "Oh yah, um I mean that's a brilliant idea from a great author!" "Well were safe for now but about that stone" "Um, I guess it opens something" "Another cliché" "You do realize theirs a golden saint nearby that the author could kill us with?" While the two wondered about their fates a small slit in the wall slowly and silently widened "Hey Amulius" "What is it Ed?" "Whats that?" Amulius turned around, peered into a dark room that had just opened up and saw something he had feared since he was a child. Unable to speak he silently asked the nine to protect him from this vampire.

Chapter 3, review, please? 


End file.
